July 21st

And so of course, by no surprise, I showed up today. And he was late, telling me he woke up late, didn’t I get his text? And no, I didn’t get his text, he accidentally sent it to his friend instead of me. And so I waited for him because he was late (again).

And when he got there, we sat and talked. He was annoyed at me for all the trouble he had to go through buying, returning, then trying to get back the calculator he got me for my birthday because I couldn’t decide on the color I wanted.

We shifted into our real conversation. And he was acting like an asshole. I was sitting there upset and he was trying to figure out if I was going to break up with him. He asked me if I was going to and I said I wasn’t. He had no real reason to be mad or upset about shit. We talked about how no, last week the almost-break up had nothing to do with Z and her boyfriend breaking up. He said I kept connecting things in our relationship with Z. I said it was because I didn’t like her. I guess I was doing this because at the end of October, Z and her last boyfriend broke up and me and him were about to break up. The end of the story is, her boyfriend broke up with her, my boyfriend and I didn’t break up. This time around, I think she got dumped and me and him aren’t breaking up. So maybe I’m just making connections that don’t exist. I should stop worrying so much.

We talked about how no, we didn’t not break up because our conversations last week on sex, although he thought we could talk more about sex. We talked about how yeah we needed space. He thought we had been on a break since after my birthday. We talked about how yes, the break was my idea. He agreed that we needed space and I shouldn’t have to worry about him and he should’t have to worry about me. He said on breaks, he missed me, but it was the only time he didn’t get yelled at or guilt-tripped. I said I wanted the break because I was just really mad at him.

He thinks when we talk, all I do is get mad. He says all we do is argue. I say when we don;t talk, I get mad. He said there was no winning with me. I said he had tried to break up with me 3 times in the last 3 weeks. He said there was no medium with us; there was no middle. I suppose that is correct. We either really love each other or we really hate each other.

Today is a day where I am not sure.

After agreeing that the main rule was no cheating, which is already an unspoken, assumed rule, he said if there was no cheating, what should I really have to worry about? (For the record, we have never cheated on each other). I asked if any of the things he had done wrong (in my opinion) were considered flirting to him(i.e. texting with S until 3 in the morning, sleeping over A’s apt with his friends, talking with Z, or going out late at night with D to eat food). He told me that he did not consider any of that flirting. I started mentioning how he puts other people in front of our relationship. I said he would rather talk to Z than argue with me. And he told me he would rather not argue with me, which made me more mad. I asked if he had been talking to any of them. He said no. And I said that those people shouldn’t even be there anymore. And so he told me he wouldn’t talk to them anymore (Z, S, D, and A). And so I asked how he could prove it, but we never got around to figuring out a way he could prove it. I think we both agreed that looking at his phone bill was not a healthy thing for us. Anyways, it was just agreed that he would not talk to them. He asked me if there were any other rules in this break. aside from being faithful to each other and not talking to them, there are no rules.

And so we sat there longer. And I played and said the break should be 3 months. And after I said I was kidding, he said 2 weeks. And so I said until school starts, leaving us with about 5 weeks.

After cooling down, I asked him to hold me because it was cold. And he was holding me there, enveloping me in his arms, trying to tickle me. And to be honest, in that moment, I kind of wondered my point about having this break.

He leaned over and he kissed me. At which point, I tried to kiss him and he told me only he got to initiate our kisses. And so I got up and kissed him and he started to get turned on. And then we got really into kissing. At which point, he stopped because we had to get to class. He was trying to calm down when I brought it in for a hug and then he got excited again. I teased him and asked him if this happens every time he hugs a girl. And he yeah, only you. I started getting mad because his response and so he repeated no, only me because he’s seen me naked.

As we were leaving, I asked if he was still going to sign up for the class with me next semester. At first, he seemed to pretend not to hear me and then he asked what class again. I told him to check his email. To be honest, I want to see if he remembers to do this because if he doesn’t, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll make him rearrange his entire schedule.

So we walked down and I pulled him back and told him to be safe. He thought it was weird that I said that, but that’s not weird at all. Of course, you want your loved one to be safe. And so we kissed each other one last time and went our separate ways.

When I passed him and his friend about an hour later to go into a building, they were holding the door for someone. Seeing me coming, they also held out the door and I thanked his friend, but I didn’t give him eye contact. His friend started teasing him, saying how cold it was that I didn’t acknowledge him. I kept walking.

Today his friend R asked for him. After playing with R and saying he never comes to just see me, I said maybe he was in the library of maybe he went home. To be honest, I hate it when I don’t know where he is, especially when someone asks about him. It bothers me because it makes it seem like my boyfriend and I do not have  a good relationship with each other. So R went on his way as I wondered where my boyfriend was at the moment.

Honestly, I think this break will do me fine. I usually feel better after like the third day. I hope this break will do him fine too.


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