I think I’m just gonna keep writing until I exhaust myself. I’m so mad and upset about everything. I want to say I shouldn’t be surprised by anything right now. He always, always, always knows how to fuck up.
I guess what throws me off is that I think he’s wonderful. Like even after all of the shit we go through, I think he’s an incredibly amazing person and I have a hard time thinking about giving him up. I mean, when you find someone that you find adventurous and exciting and thrilling, you never when to lose your hold on them. I mean, they become, well, they become your world. Or at least, you feel, everything revolves around them. And that’s how I feel about him. I love him and the imperfection of him. Or how he’s flawed, yet somehow kind of perfect.
And so every time, something likes this happens, I’m in tears. I’m disappointed. I ache. And worst of all, I feel broken. Because the person I’m in love in with, well, maybe he doesn’t exist. Or maybe he does.
It’s just, now I’m sitting here, wondering if he cheated on me. And it feels a little bit like being suspended, waiting to see if you’re about to hit the floor and be shattered.
I no longer know what to believe. Because I want to say I know he’s never cheated on me, but I don’t know what to make of this anymore. I want to say I’m making up some stuff now. I feel a little shaken and numb inside. And cold. I feel a little cold. But my eyes are warm.
I think I’m just going to pretend that we already broke up. That way, it’ll be easier on me. This is really hurting my feelings tonight.
I want to tell myself this isn’t what I think it is. What if it is though?
I emailed him and asked. I fucking emailed him. Before that, I left an angry voicemail. And texts, angry texts that you don’t want to receive in the middle of class.
I’m angry. Pissed. Sure. But more than that, I feel really disappointed. Even if it’s not cheating, I’m disappointed at the lie of it all.