Monday: Realizations

And so here’s what happened today.

I say meet me at 8. Okay? And I get no reply back.

And I wait in front of his class for half an hour.

And I call him up a bunch of times. And leave a voicemail, telling him to call me back.

And lastly, I text him and say that I waited too.

He didn’t come to school today. I tried to comfort myself by saying it has’t even been two weeks, it’s only been about a week and a half, but that doesn’t mean shit. So forget it.

Then I changed my shift so I wouldn’t have a break anymore. I can’t just walk in circles, hoping to run into him. It isn’t fair for me.

I can’t even remember the last time we kissed. Was it when I walked him to class that Wednesday morning and I waited for my class to start or was it that afternoon when I waled him to class before I went home? Or was it Tuesday before I went home? Or was it when we were playing in the car that day? Honestly, I don’t remember. Did my breath smell bad or was I chewing gum? Our last kiss was probably a fast kiss too, right? I can’t remember. And I keep pausing and trying to recollect that memory, but it feels gone. I think it was Wednesday in front of his class before I went home. I want to remember and hold on to it, but I don’t want to think about it too hard. It makes me feel a little bit like I’m aching.

I mean, I don’t want to give up on him, but I can’t just sit and wait around, wondering about him either.

I’m not saying I’m moving on or anything, I’m just saying I need to treat myself better. I think I need time by myself to think about what I’m actually doing.

I love that boy and all, but this is some bullshit.

So I guess what I’m saying is we do need time apart and I’m just gonna leave him alone this time.

No chasing, no waiting in front of the classroom, no random texts, no desperate phone calls with sad voicemails, no love letter-esque emails, saying how much I love him and how I’m wrong.

The only thing that scares me is that we move on, or rather, I’m afraid of him moving on even if it’s a rebound. Because he’s mine. And I’m his. And that’s the way it is. Fuck the rest.

If it’s meant to be though between us, it’ll be. We’ll end up together, if not tomorrow or next week, maybe next month or the month after. Something will give.

I just need to be patient.

Give it time. Time will make everything better. I need to have faith that he’ll come back around.

It’s gonna be okay girl.


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