Day Four: Part Three

I feel like I ruined everything. Last night I told him let’s forget that I texted him and continue with the one week. Then I woke up and asked him if we please talk. And then an hour later, I told him I would meet him around 8, so we could shake hands and move on.

On top of that, I know I’m pmsing. Or maybe I’m just coming to terms with this breakup. It feels like this might be it. Because I don’t think we’ve ever gone over a week. Okay, maybe that time in January when I didn’t want to get back together. But we still talked at least. Or maybe the beginning of April when I didn’t want to talk to him. But that was a break and I feel like I still talked to him.

And I feel like I played my cards wrong when I said let’s talk tomorrow. Because maybe he’s still mad and doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t think we’ve ever actually broken up before. And this feeling of him not talking to me bothers the hell out of me.

And now I feel like all my emotions feel really intense because I’m pmsing.

And to be honest, maybe it’s not right that I say we should talk now if he doesn’t want to talk to me. And maybe it’s not right because I don’t know what to actually say. And here I am, sitting at home, typing like crazy, trying to make sense of the way I feel.

I feel panicked right now.

I’m afraid that we don’t get back together. I’m afraid he likes someone else. I’m afraid of moving on. I’m afraid that we’ll never talk again. I’m afraid that he’ll forget about me.

And I’m so scared and upset about the possibility of any of that happening.

I really want to see him. And I want him to talk to me. Not just some half-ass, I don’t want to talk to you bullshit, so we’ll just sit in silence. I want us to sit down, level-headed and just talk about any fucking thing.

I guess what makes me more mad is that he broke up with me because I kept complaining. So I feel the need to fix it because it feels like all my fault. And maybe some of it’s his fault, but it mainly feels like mine.

And I’m afraid I won’t be able to fix it this time.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to make this right, him and I are gonna get back together like we always do, but he’s not responding to me right now.

I don’t think he’s ever been this mad at me before. Then again, I did get mad at him for everything, even when he didn’t do anything wrong, for about three weeks straight. And now I kinda wish I could take it all back.

I guess what’s really hurting me is that every time we break up, we end up making up. I just ask him to talk. And then he says okay. And we sit down together and say what we say. And one of us says I love you. And it’s okay again.

But this time, he won’t sit down and talk to me.

I don’t know what to do.

If I really want it all to work out, I should probably just apologize and give him his space. But I hate writing it all in text message form and wondering if he actually reads it or not.

I kinda just want to sit down and talk to him. We don’t even have to get back together or anything. I just want us to talk again.

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