To Know

“The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”― Rumi

And so now, in the midst of everything, I have all my boyfriend’s passwords. We agreed from before that he could talk to them and keep in touch, but not see them, as long as he would tell me everything and that he gave me his passwords.

And so how is that working out? Well, aside from this current fight we are in, which has to do with his guy friend and him, I think this is working out just fine.

To be honest, I logged in right now. And I saw that for a moment in May he was having a game of phone tag with S. I keep telling myself to calm down and that she is just his friend. I keep telling myself that to calm down. She is just a friend. He only loves me, he only loves me.

I see that they don’t talk all the time. Maybe once a week. Sometimes twice a week. But not very long at all. It doesn’t seem like they talk that much at all. And I know he’s not cheating. I just don’t actually like him being friends with her because I’m jealous. I wish he would just spend all his time calling and talking to me instead. And yeah, I’m selfish. If I had it my way, I’d be the only girl my boyfriend talked to. Nevermind that he doesn’t mind any of the guys I talk to.

Also, to be honest, I don’t think I really am going to go through all his shit and connect dates with times and calls and look through all his accounts and stuff. I don’t want to hurt myself over the things that I can make up in my head. I don’t want to sit here and analyze and make up things and hurt myself. I want to move forward in our relationship. It’s no use to get mad about old things and to scare him into not telling me the truth because he’s always afraid I’m going to break up with him. I want us to get better. And I want him to be open and honest about everything with me. I don’t want him to be afraid to tell me everything. I love that boy a lot.

I think I just like knowing that I have the passwords and that him and I both know that I can look through his stuff. It takes me feel a little more secure because he knows I can look through his stuff.

I think I’ll try talking to him right now to calm down. Maybe that will help.

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