Contemplations on Last Night

So  haven’t seen my boyfriend for over a week because we all went on vacation. Okay, that’s fine. So now we’re on the second week. And we were okay. He gave me all his passwords. We were fine.

And then I asked what he was doing Tuesday, (today), so we could see each other. He asked what I was doing after 2:30 this afternoon. In the morning, he said he made plans with his guy friend, J. I told him I couldn’t see him then.

So I asked when we could see each other. And he said Thursday.

But then I wondered what the hell happened to Wednesday. Doesn’t he miss me? Doesn’t he want to see me? Why won’t he reschedule his other stuff? Why can’t he reschedule everything to see me? (Okay, I know, that’s pretty unreasonable, but still).

Mind myself, I am on my period, so instead of being reasonable, I started telling him that he didn’t really want to see me and that he didn’t want to rearrange his plans for me. And that he’s just going to say that hes “busy” without explaining why he’s “busy”. Somewhere in the midst of all this, he had told me to stop because I was pmsing. ( Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I will give him some props for that).

Right when I came to my senses and I was about to email him and tell him that I just wanted to know why he couldn’t see me on Tuesday and Wednesday, he emailed me back.

So he told me, maybe he’s not telling me what he’s doing because it’s personal. And maybe if he told what he was doing, maybe I wouldn’t be there with him anymore. And that he couldn’t plan his schedule based off figuring out when he could see me for 20 minutes. He said I was being a child. I shouldn’t make him feel bad for having a personal life. I already had all his passwords. I shouldn’t control everything.

So I think we all know what I read in underline, ignoring everything else that he said.

If he told me what he was doing on Tuesday and Wednesday, maybe I wouldn’t want to be here with him anymore.

So I asked him to tell me and I told him I wouldn’t break up with him if he told me the truth. I mean, gosh, I was curious. And he told me to just stop, that was the whole point. Then he said goodnight.

Okay, now after I read that line, I started to think he fucked up somewhere. I started making up weird, fuck up reasons that were nonetheless entertaining, but sad. I even made up some reasons that don’t even make any sense. So I told him not to talk to me until he told me. Yeah, I have a pretty wide imagination of possible scenarios of wy he cannot tell me.

Then I woke up, remembered we were in some sort of fight, and I messaged him. Because honestly, I hate waking up and remembering we’re in a fight. I mean, come on, I love that boy a lot.

And so I thought maybe it wasn’t anything bad. Maybe he’s just staying home on Wednesday morning before work and he’s spending today helping J. Maybe he told me “maybe if he told me, I wouldn’t want to be with him” line because he wasn’t doing anything and he just wanted to stay home and play video games. And he said that line because he wanted to aggravate me and he kinda likes arguing with me for no reason? I’m not gonna lie, we have had some arguments that could have been prevented had he told me the piece of information that would stop it. And we’v had some arguments just to argue. Maybe he said that line because he is mad at me for being at mad at him for having friends. I don’t know. We have some dumb arguments sometimes.

So right now, I am at a stand still. And I am annoyed that he said that line last night. Because what the hell, right? Why would you say that?

Yeah, I feel a bit more leveled though. Because you know, I slept on it. I thought more about it. I wrote about it. I realized I don’t like being in real fights with my boyfriend, especially when I miss him. And I realized parts of me were being unreasonable last night. So after all that, especially typing this all out, made me feel a lot better. Like maybe I’m overreacting.

Well, I’m gonna wait it out. Chances are I’m really just overreacting, which I sometimes tend to do. And chances are he’s saying that because he was mad at me last night for getting mad at him. And then he remembered last week, and he got annoyed for me going off on him last week.

So yeah, I’m just gonna wait this one out. Chances are we’re all just being stupid with each other right now because we’re all a little mad.

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