Apologies: Night Zero

Here I am again, mad at my boyfriend who is mad at me for being mad at him.

Sometimes, I contemplate breaking up with him when I’m mad, but then I remember I love him and realize I don’t really want to.

This week I have went off on him, I want to say, about two or three times. Of these times, I have blocked him twice because I didn’t want to hear his response. I was very mad.

And tonight he has blocked me because I keep talking and making up problems. He told me in his last message to not talk to him anymore. To be honest, when he says things like that it scares me. Because I panic and think he doesn’t want to talk to me forever, when in truth that actually means like a day.

He says I am making up problems, when in reality I am only mad at one thing that we already know about. He told me he wanted to be friends with Z and S. He wouldn’t see them, he would just talk to them and keep in touch. In return, he would give me all his passwords and if I saw anything that made uncomfortable, we agreed he wouldn’t talk to them anymore. We said for now, we would try that for two weeks.

That was a week ago. And we’re both away on vacation. And he still hasn’t changed anything. And I am mad that he hasn’t. He says he needs a computer to change everything, but I do not believe that he didn’t bring his computer with him.

And I’m here, all mad, trying to figure out what makes me and him any different from the friendships he wants to keep with those other girls. He tells me it’s because he loves me.

Perhaps I am just insecure.

So I’ve been doing a lot of apologizing lately, sometimes for fights that aren’t my fault, although some fights are my fault. Sometimes, I apologize within the hour. And he hasn’t been doing much of the ‘I’m sorrys’ lately. And to be honest, this fight is my fault. I know that. But I don’t think I’m going to apologize this time around. I’m just way too nice and forgiving when it comes to him. So I’m going to hold out on him and not say anything at all.

I’m secretly afraid though that the longer he takes to apologize, the more mad I’ll be at him. And that I’ll end up breaking up with him. I’m also afraid that he’ll break up with me. And I’m afraid of all the time and space we’ll have from each other if it takes him a while to apologize.

But fuck it. I want an apology. So fuck him. I have other things to think about and he’ll come around soon enough if he loves me. I’m tired of being the first one to apologize.

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