Nights like these

Last night, while I was studying I kept messaging him periodically while he was playing video games. And I knew he didn’t really want to talk and I didn’t really have much time to conversate either, but fuck it, I wanted to talk to my boyfriend.

Today I am studying and panicking.

I told my boyfriend that I basically think he’s hasn’t been doing anything in our relationship lately. And I told him that I felt like I’ve been forcing everything. And he said that he thinks I’ve been forcing everything too. And that was the last thing he said two hours ago. Let me just throw in that I’ve been messaging him while he’s at work.

And then I just kept messaging him and he stopped answering back. Perhaps he had no idea what to say or he figured I would eventually stop and come to my senses or maybe he knew that I would realize that I was being ridiculous or maybe that damn guy was busy. I don’t know. I can make up probably ten different scenarios on why he didn’t say anything, but he probably didn’t say anything because he started to get annoyed because I do this all the time. And he probably felt bad.

So I started saying that he doesn’t put any initiative in our relationship. And how I need him to do something to prove that he wants to be here too. Because lately, I feel like I’m the only who ants to be here. And I asked him if he even wanted to be with me. And he didn’t answer. But then again, maybe I overthink it all, and he does want to be with me because then why would he be with me in the first place. I don’t know, I think I’ve overthought this entire thing.

Then I started apologizing for panicking. And all that stuff I said. And I said that every time he wants space I panic because of May 8th which was really fucking horrible. I mean, he tries (sometimes). And it’s like I want to talk to him about the way I feel and all that.

What do I actually want: I just want to talk to him often. I want to see some fucking effort on his part. I want him to want to be with me too all the time.

These aren’t things that I can fix though. Fuck. This has more to do with him.

That’s what I want him to do though. I want him to spend more time with me. I guess that what it really comes down to.

Anyways, that entire thing could have just been said tomorrow. I felt like I pulled that out of a hat and I’m pretty sure that we’re gonna have some sort of argument tonight, unless he just decides to ignore me because he feels like shit over what I said.

I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights though, the type of night where the possibility of breaking up looms over me. I guess this only happens in on-and-off relationships. I guess we’re one of those relationships. We break up , then make up right away. And I guess this only happens when you’re the one who loves more. I love more. I know that. I know that. I hate this feeling.

It makes me feel lonely. And it makes me wonder if I should just break up with him before he hurts me again. I’ve done that before. Break up with him before he got the chance to break up with me. I’ve done that a few times I think. Then there were times I broke up with him because I was so angry. And then I panic and go back. And tell him I love him. And he never brings these things up though. That I’ve probably broken up with him more times than he’s broken up with me.

Because there are times when he comes close to breaking up with me, but then in that moment, I talk it through with him and tell him I love him, and he then he stops and we end up making up in the middle of the break up. You know like in the moves where they argue and then they kiss. We have times like that. So when we have moments like that, he never really gets through breaking up with me.

Yes, there have been a few times though. Where I’m left there in tears and he leaves because he cannot sit there and hold my hand. And then the next day, I call him up and we all apologize and we make up.

Lately, I feel like it’s been harder though. Like maybe it’s me or maybe it’s him. We go off and then it’s like we make up a few days later, it’s like the last few days didn’t happen. Like we could have the biggest fight and he says some shit or I say some shit and then we just go on with our relationship. Or maybe it’s just assumed by now that we end up making up. That either means we love each other a lot. Or I let him take advantage of me that way. Or he lets me take advantage of him that way. Or maybe we think we end up together and we get married. I don’t know.

I kinda hate sitting around waiting for him to reply because this is probably my fault. Because I’ve been uncomfortable about giving him space. And because I think I sometimes make up problems that weren’t really there. And because I’m really damn critical with everything, especially about us. And especially because I look too deep into things that have no meaning, trying to decipher made up meanings.

In the end, I know he loves me and all that. And I know that. I guess what;s fucking me up is that big fight we had two weeks ago. Fuck that fight.

As you all can tell, I’m so in love with my boyfriend. I fucking love that boy so much that maybe it’s crazy. It makes me feel a little crazy.

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