Cars

I wanted to see him today because everything’s gonna change soon. Finals week, graduation, summer. Everything will change a bit. I’ll be busier, he’ll be doing different things. And I’m scared.

I wanted to see him today, but he was mad for yesterday because I keep bothering him. And he left school early today and went home. And I asked if I could come over since class was canceled. And he knew since last week, that my class was canceled. And he told me no. He said today he was gonna get a car today. After getting mad at him, he started getting mad at me, telling me that he had to see the car today, which is a few towns over from ours. And I felt so upset. I mean, this is like the last day we can really be alone together. And he knew I could be with him today. But it had to be today. He told me that he didn’t pick today, the person who’s selling the car chose this day. He didn’t.

I wanted to see him today and I wanted him to get a car. He thinks right now I’m pmsing, but I’m not. My period was over a week ago. And I guess I do want him to get a car, but I’m afraid. I did want him to get a car a few weeks ago, but when we argued last Monday and “broke up”, he said he just wanted to get a car to get away from me. And that makes me sad. I mean, I guess we say what we say when we’re angry. And right now, he’s mad at me for getting mad at him for getting a car today.

I wanted to see him today, but I ended up talking to our friend Nick about him. We talked about how Nick noticed that we hooked up. Yeah, “hooked up”. I was like ‘what are you talking about’? And he said he saw me and him holding hands and he noticed we “hooked up”. I asked what he meant. And Nick told me he didn’t mean “fuck buddies”, he meant to say that me and him were dating again and he noticed us holding hands. So when Nick teased me the other day about “how he heard…”, he meant to say he noticed my boyfriend and I got back together. And I said I love my boyfriend a lot. And we laughed about how I keep getting mad at my boyfriend and how I keep changing my mind about what I want my boyfriend to do. I tell him to do one thing, and then I change my mind. Why am I relaying this conversation with my friend. Because I want to say that I didn’t say anything bad about my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn’t say anything weird to Nick about me, when Nick said “hook up”, he meant “dating”. My cousin was not there, hearing what I said about my relationship.

I wanted to see him today. Still, I don’t want to knock my boyfriend to be honest. I mean, he does some idiot shit sometimes, but that doesn’t change how I feel about him. He told me that I’ve been talking about him getting a car for three weeks. He told me in the midst of our argument that nothing about us was going to change. He told me to think about how it’ll be when he gets a car.

I don’t know. I’m scared about change. I scared about us changing. I think that’s what this is about. I’m afraid that the more time we spend apart, the more he doesn’t love me. I mean, I know he loves me a lot, but I’m afraid. I wanted him to get a car so we could be together more and we could see more places together. I wanted him to get a car so he could visit me when I go to university next Spring. (Yeah, I was worrying about next year). I wanted him to get a car so we go to the places I’ve been telling him about. But I’m afraid about the places he’ll go without me, the people that will be in his car, if there’ll be other girls in his car, if he’ll choose to see me all the time, if he’ll lie again about his friends. Not that he’ll ever cheat on me, I’m just afraid.

The other day he told me while arguing over messaging that he didn’t think he could spend every waking moment with me. I told him that I didn’t know if I could be with him all the time. I lied though. I think I could be with him all the time. I don’t know if I would ever get anything done, but I think I could spend all my waking moments with him, arguing and laughing about nothing. Yeah, I just love that boy so much.

I’m just feeling really anxious for change. Secretly, it scares me.

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