1. Monday.Monday still bothers me of course. We had a big fight and he said some fucked up shit because he was all mad and wanted to hit me hard (emotionally) where it would hurt and then we sat on the couch for a bit and he said we couldn’t be. And he said we wouldn’t work out romantically. And then days later we made up. We pretty much made up on Wednesday after he called me honey. And for sure, we were cool on Thursday when he held me and said let’s not talk about Monday. In which, I had him apologize and we continued hugging it out.
I mean none of this following paragraph is true, but I made it up last night and this idea scared me. I guess what bothers me is the idea of him breaking up with me because he liked someone else, like D, who he saw last Sunday. And then on Monday, I pushed him into talking and we had that huge fight. And I’m scared we had the huge fight because he wanted to break up with me so he could be with some other girl. And then for some reason, over the course of one day (Tuesday, the day he wasn’t ready to talk), he found out he couldn’t be with that girl. So on Wednesday we make up. Okay, I get that I completely made up this problem in my head. And this didn’t actually happen.
What actually happened: He cooled down. I cooled down. We made up because every one stopped being all mad at each other. And of course, because we love each other.
2. The past.
Valentine’s Day this year when we weren’t technically together, but we actually were because we were totally acting like we didn’t break up. And we were in some made up fight, he left for Oregon and didn’t tell me that he left a day early. And on Valentine’s Day he was with his friends in Oregon and his friend Aaron bought him his meal. And in return, he bought the guy the flowers, in which Aaron and only Aaron (this is what my boyfriend told me) passed out the flowers to random girls on the street.
For some reason afterwards, we made up while he was still in Oregon. I don’t remember. He sent me the pictures his friend took of him. We messaged each other back and forth that day and he told me when he got back home. And yeah, after that we just made up. And we didn’t trip about Valentine’s day or how I didn’t buy him a birthday present the week before that.
Z and S. He was still friends with them. He saw them still. And he lied about it. But yeah, he saw them. And that bothers me. On and off. Sometimes I don’t even think about it. Like when it’s me and him and I’m really happy.
I don’t told him for the twentieth time on Friday that I didn’t want him to be friends with them. But he said he wanted to be friends still with D. That bothered m too a little a bit. Even though D is probably my favorite out of all of them.
3. The summer
How are we gonna be? Will he lie to me? Or will we have a really great summer? Will we see each other often? Will I fall for him even more than I already have?
4. When he doesn’t answer my messages right away
I feel like lately I’ve been taking initiative in everything. I call first. I ask to hang out. I make up the plans. And he chooses when to respond. I mean he always does respond, but, except for the Friday before last when he was acting like a straight up dick, he’s always fucking working. I hate when he doesn’t give me all the time I want because he’s busy. Okay, maybe that was a little selfish of me because technically we can only hang out when I can hang out and we can only make plans when I say that I have the time, but damn it, I wish he didn’t work on the days I finally have the time to be with him. And damn it, I wish he’d be the one talking to me first or calling me up or asking me when we can be together.
I also hate when I ask him to be with me and he’s all like ‘sure’. I just don’t like that response. Like when I asked him to cuddle this coming Monday. And he told me ‘sure’. Like damn motherfucker, act happy that I just indirectly asked you to make out.
I especially hate when I get no response at all. Which either means one of two things: ‘I want to say no, but I don’t want to tell you no because it will upset you. And therefore, I’ll just tell you later that I was too busy to respond even though you already know that I want to tell you no.’ OR ‘Silence is consensus. Since I know I cannot say no, my silence means yes’. Like on Friday when I asked him to be with me after school and he didn’t respond to my text, which he later said was because he knew that he couldn’t tell me no; therefore, yeah we had to be together or I was probably going to go off.
Come on now, if not saying anything can mean yes or no, you might as well clarify what you mean instead of leaving me room for interpretation and allowing me to go off. I’m just saying.
I guess after writing all that down in list form made me feel a lot better. Sometimes all of the things that bother me weigh in on my mind and I end up going off on him and we wend up fighting for no good reason. Writing everything calms me down.
I’m happy I have this blog to write all this shit down. Because damn, if I didn’t write all this down, I’d probably be messaging a long list of complaints and made up reasons to yell at him about. And I’d tell him all the things that worry me and scare me and then I’d end up yelling and accusing him of things he didn’t do. And I’d just keep writing him about how mad I was for reasons that didn’t really exist. And he’d be all like ‘why can’t I just be happy?’. And we get into another huge fight. Because then he’d be all mad for me being all mad. Then I’d be all mad at him being mad for me being mad. And that would go on for like two or three days. Until one of us cracked and we broke again and then I’d e all like I love you and he realize he was stupid and we would get back together. Yes, writing everything out and venting just saved me the time from going through that cycle.
Anyways, him and I are doing pretty great right now. And I’m not at him for anything real. And I hope him and I continue being happy. Because I love that boy so much.
We’re doing well right now. Let’s keep it that way. I’d love for it to stay this way all the time.
Hey honey, if you ever find this, just know that I love you too much to let us fall apart. I’m not going to let everything from before hurt me. I’m going to try for you, for us. We’re gonna be the couple that works out in the long run. We’re gonna be amazing. I promise you that.