What Comes Next?

Here I am yet again, crying to the keyboard, realizing that this is seems like a regular thing, which is really fucked up. This isn’t the kind of person I want to be.

I came into the house after school, singing Taylor Swift out loud until I was in tears. And I asked myself why I was crying. Was it because I missed him and it’s really over? Or is it because it’s routine? I always cry about him a little too often. I mean, as you can see, me and that boy get at it every other day.

And so to continue where I left off yesterday…As half-expected he made up a reason to not talk today, even though he is the person who said we could talk today. He said last night that he could not skip class today because they were preparing for a presentation. But when I called him up and messaged him and texted him, he wouldn’t respond. And after the third call, he groggily picked up the phone and said he was sorry, we would talk some other time. And so I texted him to spend break with me. And eventually he replied, telling me he wasn’t yet ready to talk. So I left a message on his voicemail, asking him to talk next week. I won’t talk to him for the one week I said. To think at this actual moment in the now, what’s my point?

And from there, I’ve been feeling alright. Not completely alright, but just a little sad inside. Passing his house on the bus today, I remembered that his friend D went over to his house on Sunday to play video games and I hated that. Because he had once told me that I was the only girl who went over his house with no one else home. Of course, I know for sure that D is just his platonic friend and that they didn’t fool around on Sunday, but still and I don’t know if his mom was also there. Like that bothers me. Also, I realized while in the drug store, that when me and him go through down parts in our relationship, he talks to S and Z about his feelings. They too are all platonic friends. He once told me he didn’t like talking to his guy friends about our relationship. And because I realize that he is probably talking to them, that of course bothers me too. That all bothers me on top of everything else that he said and did yesterday. That shit was all fucked up.

I have already made a first move. I have left one last message on his voicemail. I have blocked him on Facebook before he can block me for talking too much.And I intend to leave him alone for the next week.

Now instead of being a complete cynic, sitting through the the next few days of life depressed, there are a few ways I can play this.

Plays

I could do any of the following:

(A) Become friends with him. In which we become friends, we flirt some because we have, I want to say, great chemistry.  We accidentally, but purposefully kiss. We end up where we started. And uhmmm… yeah, he loves me.

(B) Leave him alone. And move on with life. This is a really great move. I mean, I’m doing really well even without him. Like despite his height, without him, I stand really tall in terms of everything (excluding actual physical height). This is the most strongest and most powerful of all the choices on this list, I know.

(C) Leave him alone for a week. Admit that I really do love him when we eventually talk some time next week and see how that works. In all honesty, I have never failed with this approach. It always works.

(D)  Pretend he isn’t there anymore. Purposefully ignore him. Get really hot. And ultimately, within the next few months, seduce him. This play seems, on paper, very amusing.

(E) Wait it out. And wait for him to see his mistake on his own terms. This wold be a really rewarding feeling once he comes to, but it requires waiting. Before our relationship, I had always thought that I was super patient. As it turns out, I have learned that not really, I am not as super patient as I once thought.

Final answer: I still don’t know. I’ll be honest, I really don’t. I want to say my initial instincts are to chase, but my brain is telling me no. My heart’s all confused. My feelings always change like the weather. I’ll see how I feel in a week.

For now though, I’ll be crying less tears. I’ll be living life well. I’ll be making great choices. I’ll be doing big things. And hopefully, I’ll be too busy falling in love with me first to realize that there is no space reserved for someone that doesn’t love me.

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