Letter you won’t be receiving, twelve

Dear you,

What’s it been? A day since you and I really talked.

And look at me. You said all those things to me yesterday and damn it, I still love you. I miss you A LOT. Perhaps that’s the attachment kicking in or maybe I just really love you.

It’s crazy that you said those things and yet, all I can think about is if you’re talking to one of them right now, if you’re talking to S right about now. And I hate that. Because I wish you were talking to me instead.

I wonder what you’re actually doing right now. Are you on your phone, talking to one of THEM? Or are you just laying in bed, looking at tumblr? Or are you in the living room playing video games? Starting your shift at work? Or maybe you’re off right now, screwing around with those friends of yours who don’t like going to school.

Maybe it was better that we had talked yesterday, that I had pushed you enough to go over the edge because then you didn’t need to hold it in anymore. Or maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you because by now, you would have been fine. I’d like to think so. You know, because I love you so much, I want to blame yesterday on myself. I don’t want to believe that you were capable of saying the things you said yesterday by yourself. Deep down, I want to believe that you;re better than the words you said. I wish you weren’t such an idiot sometimes.

I wonder if you’re thinking about me right now. If you’re laying there, staring at the ceiling because you’re so upset. I wonder if you’re regretting all those words you said to me yesterday. I wonder if you pick up your phone and think of me, check your messages to see if I said something new. And then you see that I haven’t said anything and you write me a message or you dial my number and decide to not press send because you feel stupid. I wonder f you do that. I wonder if you’re missing me right about now. I wonder if you walk around your house or at school and see pieces of me, pieces of us, scattered.

Ugggh, I wish you had not said all those things to me. Then I could just run back really fast, unashamed.

I’ll tell you a secret though. Even though you said those things and you did those things, I know deep down that you still love me. And as foolish as it may be, I’m still gonna wait for you honey. I’m still gonna wait it out for you.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s