Today, I want to say, went exactly as expected.
And I will say it all now, so I can remember. And because I want to remember it exactly as it happened, I write in great clarity.
I am having a hard time letting it go, but fuck it.
I saw him today in class and I tried to turn and smile at him, but he thought I was glaring. I was trying to play with him, but he thought I was glaring, even mouthing stop to me. And so at the end of class, I went up to his seat and asked him if he was mad. He said he wasn’t. He told his friend to save him a seat at the presentation and then he asked me what I wanted. I asked him about yesterday. As the class was clearing out, leaving me and him and a few other classmates, along with out teacher in the room, I asked him why he didn’t kiss me. And he said it was because yesterday I was acting like a bitch. No, he would not kiss me at work.
And so he continued to pack up his stuff and leave for the presentation for next class. And I was confused. Because I didn’t want to be mad anymore. I just wanted us to get over it and move on. And as we were walking, I asked about Friday. And he said he just wanted to go home.
And so he kept walking and I kept trying to hold on to him and get him to stop to talk to me. And while walking, he told me it was over. And I kept holding up and tugging him to talk to me.
And he walked into the line for the presentation and I kept trying to hold on to him. And he asked in a low voice if he was going to have to push me to let go. And I said no. And he threatened to tell my cousin that we had a relationship. And I said what? No we have to talk now. And I kept tugging on him, until we left the building. And we got outside and I kept tugging on him and he was grabbing my hand tightly.
And then we stopped. And I kept tugging on him and he kept trying to go. And so once I kept holding on and he tugged me right behind him up the stairs. We walked back down. Once he had me up against the building and he was pressing my arm against my chest, telling me he wanted to go. And I kept saying no. And I said we were through and he said something like ‘we’re being over if we’re through’. Then my favorite teacher was coming by and he let go. And we continued walking until he tried to stop. And I pulled on his backpack as the teacher walked into the building and we stayed outside. And he slipped off his backpack so I couldn’t have a hold on him.
I don’t think anyone was really paying attention to us. Had my cousin actually seen us he would have walked up. If anyone we had really known saw us, they would have walked up. And we saw some of our friends, who did actually walk up. And we stopped and paused and said hi as if we weren’t in the middle of a war.
And his stuff fell. And he said to pick up his shit. And I looked at him as he picked up his stuff. I wasn’t going to pick up his stuff, his pen and whatever the hell also fell. In fact, I just kept looking. Yes, in truth, I thought about picking it up. But fuck that shit.
And we went to talk after that. And from there, it was so bad.
He hit me so hard, not literally. Just the things he said. He said what did he need to say to make me know how to stop. Did he need to say that he cheated on me? And so I slapped him. Not because he actually cheated but because he said that line.
He kept telling me he didn’t love me. He kept telling me he didn’t care. He tried to say things that would hurt me. And he told me yesterday his friend D went over his house to play video games. She stayed over from 9 to 11 in the afternoon. And that made me more mad. And he told me he lied about when he told his mom about me. He told her two weeks before she actually meet me. He told me he felt embarrassed about me meeting his mom. And he told me he hasn’t loved me. And that he never did.He said it wasn’t all physical between us. (Okay, that one wasn’t bad, but I’m making a laundry list here. So basically, he also said that). And that he wanted to get a car to get away from me. And he called me boring. And he told me he didn’t want to be with Friday because he thought I was annoying. And that he would rather mow the lawn than be with me. He said I wasn’t his best friend. He said I wasn’t a big part of his life, I basically just another class at school. He said he was trying to let me know how much he didn’t want to be sitting with me there. He kept saying I wasn’t listening to him.
And I asked why we did that stuff last Monday. And he said he had wanted to. He said I had wanted to. And that was all true. I wanted to. He wanted to. And it happened.
Oh, fuck. He really broke my heart
And I told him Friday I wanted him to stay with me. And how I wrote him a poem. And damn, I even brought it out. And he said he didn’t care about it. And he didn’t want to read it. He said if I gave it to him he would just rip it up. And so, I read it out loud. And then I crumpled it.
And even through all this, I told him I loved him. I told him everything I now have a complex over. I told him he was adventure. I told him I wasn’t going to let him go. I told him I knew he loved me. Because that I knew for sure was true. And yes, I know it is true. And I told him I knew he was saying these things because he was mad. And I told him that I wasn’t embarrassed that he met my aunt. I liked that he did. And I told him I’ve been trying. And he didn’t believe me. And I told him I’m in love with. I said I loved him. I kept saying that I love him. And I kept trying to reach for his hand and he wouldn’t let me hold it.
I told him I was going to do great things. And I was going to bring him with me. He said though, he knew I was going to do great things. He said he didn’t need to be brought. The thing is, I am going to do great things, even greater things than him. It’s just sad that he won’t be there.
Somewhere while telling him my complexes and insecurities, I thought he had fallen asleep, but actually his eyes were just closed. After I realized this, I kept talking and he stopped and hugged me for a real long time. And I cried into his shoulder. And then he kissed me. And tried to shake my hand. And I wouldn’t shake it. Shaking it would mean that it was really over. And so I didn’t shake his hand.
And so eventually we cooled down. And we sat there. And we started flirting. He kept saying that we shouldn’t flirt, but I swear he kept initiating it.
He said he didn’t mean it when he said he didn’t care.
And so we went to the cafeteria and we got the free ice cream. And we waited to take the bus. And he said no I couldn’t come over. But of course, I did anyways.
I came over for three-fourths of an hour. In which, we talked more. He started cooking. I sat down. We went into the living room and I noticed the book I gave him for Christmas was on the ground. And so after some back and forth of why it was on the ground, he picked it up. Minutes later, it was under his feet on the ottoman, which he moments later, moved from under his feet. It was really fucking annoying.
He apologized for being physical today. Asshole. He said I was being physical which was wrong, and he was being physical and he shouldn’t done that. Whatever. He said he was sorry. At the moment, I’m tired right now. I have no recollection of the actual words. This apology is blurry to me. My arm still hurts.
Then we sat together on the couch. As we talked buddy-buddy like. After he got up to heat up the rice, he sat back on the couch on top of me and began to lay on me. And he pretended to pin me down when really he was hugging me and I was hugging him on the couch. And he said we couldn’t do this. But he was holding me.
Eventually we sat upright with my feet under his arm. And we started talking about sex. And he said he didn’t like me on him that way because I use too much teeth. He would like it more sloppy. So why were talking about this? Because he was starting to get turned on. And me, I was tired. I was really upset about everything today. And so we talked about sex for a little bit. And then we were just sitting there for a few minutes.
I was laying down, my feet in his lap. He was rubbing my feet as we laughed about Costco memberships. And I closed my eyes for a bit, to open them after a minute and find him staring at me. So I closed my eyes again.
He kept saying we couldn’t be “flirtsy”. In my opinion, that word is gross. He kept saying that, while flirting with me.
And we went into the kitchen and he played with me about being friends with benefits. I know he was only half-teasing. And I told him he’s either all in or all out. And so we ate the food he made. And I got ready to go. And as I was getting ready, we made plans to talk tomorrow. In fact, an hour before this while at school, we had made plans to talk tomorrow. His idea. I kept asking what we were gonna talk about. But whatever, we’re talking tomorrow at 8. I don;t really know about what. But I like being with him. I feel really comfortable with him.
And I said while putting on my shoes, that I’ll be waiting for him to tell me he was stupid today.
While we left the house, we waited for my bus. And we were talking abut nothing. I said I’ll be waiting for him to say he was stupid about today. He said I’ll be waiting forever. And I asked him before my bus came if he loves me. And he said he did, but we couldn’t work out, he said something like that.
And I got on the bus all sad.
And I called him when I got home and I said I love him? He said we couldn’t work out romantically. And I said I didn’t think we could. I said something like that. And I asked him to say that he loved me. And he said that he loved me. We agreed to talk tomorrow at 8. He said he would say something is the plans changed.
And now I feel exhausted. I feel sad though. The other day I told myself that I wouldn’t let go of him. And now I feel a little upset.
This will pass. And tomorrow I’ll be better. In fact, I’ll probably be better come a few hours. But damn, my eyes are so tired.
I hope that boy regrets everything. And that he fails somewhere along the way. And when he’s feeling low, he somehow connects it to breaking up with me. And how he should have just fucking held on. And I hope he misses me constantly.
To be honest, I know what I need to do, but I don’t know what I want to do. There is something about him that brings me light, but hate how often he can play the switch. I should find new light. I don’t know anymore. I feel stupid right now.