Disappointment

Expectation is the root of all heartache” — William Shakespeare

I didn’t have the best day today.

I want to say I was pmsing, or I was tired, or maybe, I was just hungry. In truth, he just really disappointed me today.

The expectation started at midnight when I said happy year and a half. Then I found out that I was the only one waiting for the clock to strike twelve. Come the morning, he said he didn’t understand the year and a half because we broke up like four times. That made me sad because I got excited for nothing. We talked about this later today and he said he thought it was a year and a half today, so the fact the he said that stuff this morning means he just didn’t think about staying awake until twelve. And that upsets me a little bit. In the end, he did say happy anniversary. But come on now. I asked him to apologize to me, which he did, but it didn’t help much of anything.

Then I asked him if he’d skip history with me and he said “sure…”.

So we skipped and I brought up the cupcakes and it didn’t seem exciting anymore. He was in the middle of talking about he ate a bunch of cupcakes yesterday when I told him I brought cupcakes for today. And I didn’t feel good about giving him the cupcakes.

And we talked about D’s birthday which he couldn’t go to because he was working. He said he wished her a happy birthday, but he didn’t wish S a happy birthday. (Yes, those two girls have the same birthday). He said he hasn’t talked to S or Z this week. Whatever then. I guess I believe him, but sometimes I have trouble trusting him.

And when I asked him to wait after school with me, he said he wanted to go home before work. And of course, that made me feel upset.

He tried to tell me that we would go out next week. Still, today was our day. Not a day next week, but today.

Walking to class, he opts to take the shorter way to my class so we can get that faster and he can get to his class on time. He tells me he is trying to get the day off because he wants to stay.

And so he walked me to class, but I realized that I didn’t want to be early for class.

So I just followed him to his class. And we ran into D. Before we get closer, he tells me that he hasn’t told her yet. And I said happy birthday and hugged her as if her birthday isn’t stressing me. And she asks him if he’s coming tonight and he says he’ll talk to her about it later.

As she walks away, we continue walking for a bit. And he asks me aloud, “Why are you here?”. And I say that I didn’t want to get to class too early. And he says “Why do you have to make it awkward?”. And I said what? And he said he was just talking to himself, about how he made it awkward. (something like that).And so we went our separate ways. And I was upset.

And when I texted him later and asked about him saying. he said he was going to go home. And I called him later and he called me back. When I got the chance (two minutes later) to call him back, he wouldn’t answer the phone.

We talked a little later when he called me back, but then we talked  for a second until he had to get off. He said he would call me back.

I never got the chance to give him the poem. And no, he doesn’t deserve the poem at all. And I’m so fucking upset with him.

I’m also paranoid that he doesn’t have work today and that he is going to her birthday. I am paranoid about this.

Moreover though, I’m upset about today. I wish I hadn’t cared about it at all.

I shouldn’t have bought cupcakes. I shouldn’t have printed out the poem I wrote him. I shouldn’t have put so much effort into trying to spend time with him today.

And for that, I don’t want to remember us today. I don’t want to remember our sloppy kissing as we sat on the bench, laughing about how we haven’t kissed sloppy for a long time. I don’t want to remember him holding me on his lap as we make plans for him to get a job in marketing and pay off my dental school bills while I’m studying to be a dentist. I don’t want to remember us spinning around gaily as we make fun of our exaggerated facial gestures. I don’t want to remember how he chose to go home and be with his friend Alex instead of waiting for me to get out of class.

And so now he tells me he’s working. It’s whatever I guess.

He ruined today. And I want to pretend that I’m not really disappointed in him for today. But I can’t pretend. And I don’t think I want to talk to him for a few days. Today hurt my feelings.

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