Two Months: Day 20

A recap of today’s events:

You went into history class, looked around a bit for him. And when the test was starting, at least for you, he walked in and you looked up because you heard his voice. Then you finished the test hella fast, like in ten minutes, and left.

Then you were studying in the cafeteria with your friend and each time he passed (twice), you looked up and made eye contact and then you looked away. And continued joking with Danielle about all the material on the test. Then, unsure if he was in seeing-distance of you, you began to talk to a boy in your class about the test. You complimented his hat. It was a nice hat. You weren’t flirting or anything, but perhaps the thought of him seeing and being jealous made you continue conversation with him about the biology test today.

Then you took a walk and tried to find him, but you couldn’t.

During Spanish class, the teacher asked how he was. And you said he was good. You wonder if other people ask him how you’re doing. Because every once in a while, someone will ask you how he’s doing. And you always say good. You just wonder if he gets asked the same thing about you. So yes, the teacher asking about him made you a little sad. And was a gentle reminder of how he’s missing from your life right now.

After class, you left the lab and ran into that boy O in the study area, the one who you agreed to help with his essay. And so you told him you’d be in the library. Then you went to the library and left after a minute because you only had to renew a book. Then you sat in the cafeteria with your friends and eventually went to the study area again. When you saw him leave, you left too and walked into the cafeteria kinda looking for him. And you saw him and he said he printed his essay. And you both laughed about how he didn’t see you in the library when he was printing and you weren’t in the library and how you both didn’t run into each other. Whatever.

So you both sat on the couch in the cafeteria, talking about changes he could make in his essay. There was some flirting, or perhaps that was all friendly. The book with the paper was on his lap, you occasionally wrote something on the paper. Or passed the book and paper. Something like that. There was laughter. Mostly about how a few months you were both laughing about how he thought English class wasn’t important.  And it was all good. For about ten minutes, you all sat there and talked about how he could fix his English. And how he could connect points in the book to his essay.

You wonder if anyone saw you with him. And what they thought. Did they wonder why you were sitting here, laughing with O, when you have a boyfriend? You even wondered about what you were doing. Did he even wonder what you were doing? Did O wonder about your boyfriend? Perhaps you think too hard about it. Or maybe you just feel guilty.

When it was time for your bus to come, you told O you had to leave. And you asked him to walk you to the bus stop. And you started to walk out of the cafeteria fast, either because of the time or because you were with O (I do not know exactly why, but perhaps it is both reasons). And after you waved hi to your friend, this is the part you didn’t like. He said ‘slow the fuck down. Why are you walking so fast?’. He said something like that that you didn’t like. And when you got out of the cafeteria or was it when you were leaving the cafeteria, you said something about not wanting to miss your bus, unless he wanted to run for it. Aside for the comment he said about slowing the fuck down, you mainly said this because your boyfriend runs for the bus to stop it for you. And that made you miss him.

So you had an extra five minutes to kill before the bus came and O said he’d wait with you. So you both stood there and laughed for a little bit about who knows what anymore. And it was pretty good.

Then you got on the bus and started feeling guilty, wondering if he was doing the same thing. And if it was alright to help O with his essay. Assuming by the way you felt after you left O, you don’t really think it’s okay to help him with his essay. You wouldn’t want your boyfriend doing that with some other girl during this break. But fuck it.

You’re doing you right now. And he’s doing him. And in the end, I really think you two end up together. He’s just mad right now and deep down, you’re still mad.

So hey, just give it time. Do things that make you feel good.

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