Two Months: Day 15

Well you had a good today.

And for the entire day, the only song in your head was “Blessings” by Big Sean. And I guess that made you feel better, more focused on being a little edgy and aggressive.

So everything worked out for you. You were allowed to redo your homework that you did all wrong. That meeting got postponed. Even your Spanish test got moved to Friday, which was kinda great because you weren’t too ready and you thought you were going to miss it for that meeting (although you’re teacher was going to let you turn it in online).

And then you left class and went to that other meeting, which ended right before your bus came and it all worked out really well. Your day was full and you didn’t have much time to ponder on him.

In class, you were so determined not to talk to him. You talked to your friend about the topics in class and about her hair, stuff like that. And you kept hearing him tapping or shuffling behind you, but you didn’t even glance at him. Damn, you didn’t even look at him when you passed the roll sheet. Or when you passed him near the bookstore to look at the t-shirt sale.

You did feel upset though when you were reading your book and suddenly the characters were cheating because they were two people who used to be in love with each other. And then you thought about him perhaps liking his friend still, the friend he liked and who he started to lose feelings for when you two were starting out a year and a half ago. And the idea of him cheating on you made you sick and made you feel so sad. And you knew you didn’t want to talk to him.

You open your email now and see that he sent you a message late last night saying that he knows your mad, but he just won a radio contest. He just wanted to tell you. And as much as that excites you and makes you curious, you don’t really want to talk to him. So you won’t.

You don’t make the first move anymore. You don’t.

And the thought suffocates you. And it makes you feel upset. Because you hate being away and out of touch with him. Tomorrow will be the third day of no talking. And that will be the longest you have not talked to him. It’s never been that long. You usually say something every other day. But not now. You’re mad. He’s has to be sorry for what he did. He’s so fucking wrong.

So no. No, you don’t make any first moves now.

Act as if you already moved on. That way he can’t hurt you.

And besides, he has to learn. He has to learn.

So leave him alone until you feel better, until he comes to you and says he’s sorry. Because no, he’s wrong.

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