Two Months: Day 12

So you woke up pissed off. And you found that you haven’t been pmsing for no reason. Because it’s that time of month. Yeah, so the mood swings…

Here we go with the negative.

And he was in your dream last night and you two made up. But then after making up, you were still upset about him not transferring.  Towards the end of the dream he didn’t wait for you to leave. He left you and your stuff, but then he came back, but not for you, but for someone else (L), and then you started to get mad at him.

When that dream woke you up, you  started to think about the last time you saw him at his house. You hated how he tossed you the towel, even though you caught it. You wanted him to hand it to you. You hated how when you were waiting for the bus and his friend came to pick him up, he said that your bus was coming, mentioned dropping you off( that’s how you remember it), but he also made a gesture saying no. And i think you saw him and pushed him because that was fucking annoying even if he was only playing. Perhaps he didn’t want his friend to be mad because his friend had to pick him up at home when  he was supposed to meet him at school.  Anyways you did get dropped off, but during that moment you hated him. And the thought of it still pisses you off.

If this was any other morning, you’d email him right now and tell him exactly this. And he’d say he was sorry. He didn’t mean it with the towel. He’d say he was rushing, something like that. He’d say he was playing when it came down to getting a ride from his friend. And then come tomorrow, you’d have  say sorry to your face.

The thought of his new coworker annoys you. He told you about her Monday, perhaps because her name is M. And he was making an annoyed face and saying  he was closing with her,  you asked why he doesn’t’ like her. And he said he didn’t say that he didn’t like her. But you thought he didn’t because he made a face. Anyways this thought bothers you too.

You don’t think he’d ever cheat on you, I mean, you know he’d never cheat on you. it’s just, other girls around your boyfriend bother you.  Because you’re very jealous and all that. (His stuff says hes been in a relationship with you and hes never changed it even though you all technically broke up). Still though, you get very jealous.

And right now you’re also mad that he has never sincerely apologized to you about everything by his own accord. You always have to mention it first. He did apologize fist one time, that first day near the ocean, but i think that apology was more about A. Anyways the fact that hes never fully said sorry on his own bothers you.

On Friday, you had looked at him in class. You stared at him once and he continued looking the other way. And right now you feel embarrassed because even the teacher saw you stare. And you looked at him again and at least the teachers back was turned. And damn, you should just never look his way again. You feel  like a damn fool.

And writing this all down disgusts you. And had you two been talking right now, you’d probably want to break up with him. But for some reason, you’re just so desperately in love with him still, so you continue this break as much as you hate it.

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