Letters you won’t be receiving, Four

Hey honey,

I think you’re tired now, tired of us, tired of me.

And that thought alone, even though I know I deserve more, scares me. Because my heart’s set on you. And I only want to love you, only you.

And I don’t want you to go.

So hey, hold on for a bit, honey.

Give me time, I’ll give you space.

I guess I’m just so attached to you at this point. What’s it been over a  year, closer to a year and a half, if we ignore all that on and off we did for what, one, two, three days at a time. We’ve never fully, just totally, flat-out broken up. I still hold on, you still hold on, in the end, we always end up getting back together, the next day, the next week. Discounting January’s real-like breakup, where we came back to school and held each other like nothing happened at all, where we just said we weren’t together even though we knew we were.

And now here we are. I know you’ll say you aren’t iin love with me even though, I still somehow believe you are. And I’ll say I’m not in love with you either to avoid not feeling hurt.

Every time we’re close to the edge, I continue to hold on. You’ll say you love me, I walk away and turn back to you on my own. When you’re close to falling off, I talk you out of it. And sometimes, I don’t even know how I do it. Ha, Tell you I love you and I want no one else. Maybe I turn you on and make you reminisce about all our fun times. I cry, we kiss, say some things that make us feel a little closer.

I guess saying all that throws you off. And you feel dumb for thinking about leaving. That’s why you don’t want to give me five when I say I want to talk this out. Because I always talk you out of it. Always. To the point where I know I’m going to pull you back up without saying much of anything that hasn’t been said before.

Sigh. I hope you’re feeling okay right now.

You didn’t sound so enthused to wish me a Happy Easter. But maybe you;re annoyed with me for sounding so bitter lately, everything said with an undertone of anger and spite. And when you say nothing for hours at a time, I get angry. Did you leave those other friends of your waiting for a response from you? No. At least I don’t think so.So excuse me for sounding angry, but fuck you, you know. So I’ve just been saying ‘don’t say anything’ so I don’t have to wait for a response that will never come. It makes me feel a little better.

Oh, you. Fuck, I miss you.

But even though you;re such an idiot, hold on okay?

I’ll continue this break if it means I still get to have some sort of hold on you, that Ic an still hold on to you. You’re mine, you know that. And I’m yours.

So don’t let go so soon.

Because I’m not going to give up on the idea of us. I love us.

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