letters you won’t be receiving, five

Hi baby,

Blaaaaaaaah. I wish we were talking right now. Even if we just had to make up conversation. Because fuck, I miss you.

Why didn’t you say ‘I love you too’ right away? Why did you wait for me to ask if you didn’t love me? And then you reply LOL, yeah I do. Come on now, I hated that. I mean, I know you love me, but come on, I love all the reassurance. I seriously almost panicked. And then calmed down after I saw that message.

I mean, in the back of my mind, I’m mad about you. But in truth, I miss you more than I’m mad you. The mad and angry take a backseat to loving you.  I think more about loving you and missing you and talking to you than I think about being mad.

And when I do think about talking to you, I have to stop and remind myself that I’m supposed to be mad. And that you’re wrong. So I can tell my heart to stop asking for you. It doesn’t stop though. It doesn’t stop asking.

Did you know I’ve just been writing you for the last few nights. You’re probably slightly amazed and confused about how in the hell I’m not talking to you, messaging you like crazy like I always do. Well, it’s not because I’ve been so mad that I cannot talk to you since what you did was fucked up.  And it’ not because I suddenly have great self-control either. It’s because I’ve been writing to you. What is this? Like, letter #5 in the last what? Three days? Damn, I literally haven’t really stopped talking to you. Ugggh, you motherfucker I love you like crazy.

And you have no idea that within these past few days, I’ve been going a  little crazy without you. I even had a weird breakdown on Friday. You don’t know about that though. And maybe I’ll tell you about it later, when we all feel better.

Anyways, I know you’re unsure. Me too. I’m unsure too how we’re going to move past all this. I know you said that you’re afraid to lose me, but you don’t know if this is what you’ll want. I know that feeling. I tell you I don’t know all the time. How I say I don’t know what I want.

Who knows if we never try though, right?

How do we know that this won’t be what we want if we don’t try?

I don’t want to regret everything we never got the chance to do. So I will be young and in love with you while I have the chance.

Baby, can’t you just stop us from doing this, stop me, stop you, and just hold me while we laugh about nothing? That’d be great. I’m waiting on that.

I know you don’t want us to talk tomorrow because we’ll end up kissing and holding hands and avoiding the problem, but what if us being together makes the problem go away? Because when we’re actually with each other, we don’t actually care about our problems. We just care about each other.

I don’t know. I haven’t fully thought it all through.

Anyways, goodnight I love you.

I wish you could say it back to me even though you don’t see these.

Goodnight honey, until tomorrow.

Love you.

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