Two Months: Night 4

Tonight you are full of doubt.

What if he hates this. And he doesn’t want to do this anymore. And he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he just says nothing. Nothing at all. So you echo in that deadpan silence of his, as you feel like you scream his name into the type on the screen. Where you feel like your yelling to get his attention, until suddenly all you can do is whisper, not to him, but to yourself as you question everything. Everything he said and everything he doesn’t say.

And now you just tell yourself whatever you want so you can fall asleep at night. Typing on here, not only to expel your feelings, but to convince yourself that everything’s going to be okay.

Everything’s not okay. So be real for a second.

You have a boyfriend you’re madly in love with. He lied to you for an entire year. He doesn’t really want to do this, go in circles with you. He wants to call it off, but you convinced him to hold on with this break. Convincing him, that you, out of all people in this relationship, would change. Since you are in love, you are somehow idiotically open for compromise. When in reality, it is foolish as hell of you to compromise at all when you’re not in the wrong. He is not saying anything to you right now because he doesn’t want to do this anymore. He doesn’t.

Or maybe he’s just mad that you accused him this morning. and pointed fingers at possible situations that could happen.

But because you are a fool for him, a complete fool, you will just ignore the shit out of the situation at hand. Tell him that no, you two are on a real break. Even though, he’s a part of a break that he isn’t sure he wants to be a part of. He’s just doing this to appease you. To make you feel a little better.

So he loves you. He loves you. And he promised this break to you after you practically begged for it over the phone.

Being the one who loves more, you think that you’ll change. You’ll accept. When your mind knows, he should do the changing, the accepting. Your heart feels all accepting and willing and open and hopeful.

Secretly you hope that he loves you. That he loves you wildly. That how he feels now, doubtful about your relationship, not in love with you, you hope that this is a phase. And that the moment you step out, he will run right back to you.

As each time you walk away, you walk slow. Hoping he’s running to stop you. In reality, he never stops you. So you walk away with sadness.

Now you will avoid him at all cost, hoping he doesn’t call this off when you don’t want to give him that choice. You want that choice. That’s why you wanted this break. So maybe you just won’t come to class Monday so he can wonder about you.

You’re so scared right now, thinking he wants to call it all off. Thinking he doesn’t love you. You’re scared.

You want him to miss you, wonder about you, feel desperately in love with you for no reason. You want that.

Fuck, you miss him. You miss him wildly right now. How your heart wants someone that doesn’t love you, that doesn’t want you, that isn’t sure about you. Maybe he does love you, but you don’t like this way.

You feel sad and hopeless about him right now.

What do you have to say to this boy right now that isn’t bitter and angry and mad and sad, mixed with moments of love and nostalgia. Not much, maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to say anything back.

Because he thinks you have nothing new to say. He knows you’re still mad and bitter. So he thinks he should call it off. So instead, you will say nothing at all. Nothing at all.

Why must you love this boy? The one who holds the sunshine in his eyes.

You will have him miss you, your talks, your moments curled with him in his sheets, your voice. And he will, and with that, he’ll regret.

I don’t know how long you’ll do this for. But if he really does love you, and with this you chance and risk, he’ll still be there when your ready. And maybe, just maybe, in the middle of all this regret and missing and longing, he’ll stop all of it.

You’re waiting on that. You’ll be waiting on that.

For now, live your life. Don’t look back at everything every ten seconds. Instead, look forward. Keep moving forward. Focus on what you want. And if this is meant to be, like your heart wants you to believe, then everything will eventually fall into its place.

I know you’ll tell yourself anything to fall asleep.

But shhhhhh, have faith. It really is going to be okay. Breathe and step back.

Give it one week straight of saying nothing. You can do this.

It’s gonna be alright now.

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