Two Months: Day 2, Part 5

You’re mad, but you miss him. You miss him. Is it wrong you ask, missing the boy that hurt you so badly? Is he missing you right now? Is he talking about you right now to one of them? Is he conversing about how much he loves you? Or how pathetic it is for you to still love him when it feels like he’s ruining you? My gosh, it’s like you’re longing for him right now, hoping he’s thinking about you too. When the thought of it, the reality, that you might not even be crossing his mind, breaks your heart all over again.

So maybe right now, you’re just sad. That damn boy. Having you feel sorry when he’s the one who fucked up, when he’s the one who should be feeling sorry. He fucked up. You remember that. You didn’t do anything but the love the fuck out of that boy. You were a fool for him. And now you’re just hurting. Everywhere. It hurts.

You told him Tuesday that he was your adventure. He said no. He wanted to go out with you on weeknights until late. He wanted to see you on Saturdays. He wants your adventure too, you can see that now when you look at his words, but you can’t give him that adventure now.He knows that. But one day, you’ll be able to give him all that adventure, and fall asleep in his arms. Why the fuck can’t he just be patient.

He’s yours, you’re his. Why can’t it be that fucking simple.

Why the fuck did you say two months. Why the fuck isn’t he just stopping all this dumbass madness? Like you wouldn’t take him right back if he ran after you, chased you, pursued you, said he was too in love with you too much to let you go. You would take him back after every stupid time. So why are you the one running back after he screws up every time? You deserved to be chased too.

Maybe you’re the only one in love. He said the other day that he hasn’t been in love with you for a while. So why are you expecting him to still be in love with you after he said that? Are you waiting for some miracle? Yes, yes you are.

Look at you, crying to the keyboard.

Damn, you love that boy. Why does it have to be that boy. That horrible, undeserving liar that isn’t in love with you. That wonderful, amazing boy that made your days. Why can’t he be just one, why can’t he be the one that loves you? The one that doesn’t hurt you, the one who isn’t the cause for you to write to him every night on here, trying to bury the hatchet. Why he can’t he love you as much as you love him? Why, why, why?

You feel like screaming into a pillow, throwing something like oranges at walls, shaking him, running continuously until you’re tired.

You miss him. You hope he misses you too right now. You don’t know how much you can bare without him loving you.

You hope he chases you. You won;t be doing any chasing any time soon for him. You deserve for someone to run after you. Because even you, foolishly, desperately in love you, knows about you. You’re amazing. And you deserve to be chased, pursued, ran after because you’re not someone worth losing. He should know that.


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