Day Six: Tired, but calmer

You feel a lot better now. He said that he did love you when you asked him what he said the other day was true. And knowing that, you broke him down and made him guilty.

You told him to ruin himself so you wouldn’t be in love with him anymore.

Now that you got to talk about it all. You feel exhausted, but calm. Not shaky, not jittery, not angry. Just something resembling being at peace. That talk though. You waited that one out. Calmed him down. You yelled and everything. Admitted your wrongs and told him you know about his. And even though what he told you was wrong, you’re happy that he was finally honest. It took him awhile though. And you told him what you did. And although it was crazy, he wasn’t too mad. Instead he felt stupid because he was wrong. And he was. About so many things, things you didn’t even know about. And now you’re mad and untrusting about that too. At least he told you though. Most of it. Until you had to yank the rest out of him by telling him you already knew.

And in time, you’ll simmer down. Inside you’re extremely disappointed in him. And you don’t know what you want from him. He really, really fucked up. Fucking idiot. Fucking liar. And yet, you still want him. You still love him. So as you walked away, you turned back. You said something unintelligible like do you want t this way. Did he want me go? Something like that.  And he said no. And then you stopped and looked at him, And he said don’t say it. But you said it anyway. Break, let’s break. And he said okay. You said three months. He said take all the time you need. And you two shook on it and had one very good kiss.

You told him no, he can’t be friends with them. And he said to be honest, he wanted you and them in his life. And you said no, choose. He didn’t want to. And you said you wanted this break. He said he didn’t want to call this a break. And you said you wanted to. So on the bus ride home, he said he didn’t want to choose. So you said he didn’t choose you. And he said something like he didn’t say that. So you said two months. And then he hesitated, and realized that what you did was a bit crazy. And you said he was a liar. So you said two months. And then once again, you two shook on it. That funny, odd handshake that isn’t the most original.

You never thought you could love someone this much. You didn’t think you were capable of loving him through something like this. But here you are. And you still do love him. Wow, look at you. You really do love that boy.

And right now, you’re too tired to entirely process you’re frustration. But at least you feel calm. And that calm feels nice. And right now, you feel at peace knowing that he is still there.

You don’t know exactly what this is, but at least all feels a bit right.

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