After Awkward

So after writing what I wrote today, it made me feel a little sad. But it also made me question what happened afterwards too. Sure, I was most awkward when I left high school. But then afterwards I got to go out with the most popular guy right after we left high school. Okay, okay, maybe I exaggerate a little bit. Not right after high school, in the beginning of college. And sure it was college, what does high school matter? Accept when you transfer to a community college right up the hill from your high school where most of your high school class came with you.

And it felt like a triumph. There I was, voted most awkward, standing with most unforgettable, class president, and in my opinion, most interesting. And I did feel like I belonged. Finally, I wasn’t so awkward in everyone’s eyes anymore, at least, maybe not in the point of being MOST awkward. And so I got the guy, maybe not my guy, but I got the guy.

So how did that go? I fell in love with him. And more times than not, he turned out to be a jerk. And he fucked up so many times that it’s comical to even say I go back every time to tell him I love him still. He made me so sad at times. But he also made me so very happy.

And now I start arguments for no reason, but I can’t lie, he provides the fuel for the fires. And I am passionate about him; it’s a bit crazy. He can make me so angry, but he can also make me feel so happy.

And he says he loves me, but I don’t know. To be honest, there are so many things I hate about him. But there are so many things I love about him.

And with that, I don’t know. Should I keep him hanging on or should I just let him go completely? I cannot decide.

I so I sit here and think to myself. Awkward eventually stripped itself away, until everyone forgot about it and now it’s just a story, but now I feel a little stripped away too. Or maybe not stripped, but torn. Torn in between what happened. Some days it feels like a triumph, being with him. Sometimes not.

For the record though, I didn’t like him just because he was popular or anything of that sort. I found him to be amazing. There was just something about him. And I write that, although at the moment I find him to be an idiot, with knowing that I still find him to be amazing.

It just has to do with the boy. Because I don’t know if I should let go of him yet. Have I truly learned what I needed to learn? Was all that happened worth happening?

I want to say yes.

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